Everything about her says she's mad. The tone of her voice tells you she's mad (if she's speaking to you). The way she's standing tells you she's mad. If she's throwing things at you or turns away when you touch her, you know she's mad at you. When she's mad, your life is miserable, and the longer it takes you to rectify the situation the worse it's going to get.

We're men and we're fallible. They're kind, loving, sentimental and forgiving. We're pigs. We love them just the way they are but to them we'll always be a work in progress. We don't have to understand them, just love them and treat them with respect. Sometimes loving them means that we have to apologize for a real or imagined injury. Forget about whether you were right or wrong. It doesn't matter, and sometimes being right makes things worse. You're really apologizing because she's sad. And when she's sad YOU will be miserable especially if you're the reason.

So we've provided you with some common screw-ups and ways to make amends for them. Keep in mind though that the best way to fix a problem is to avoid it in the first place. So even if you're not in the dog house yet, here's a great list of problems to avoid. Keep in mind that this is not an exhaustive list of issues and we don't guarantee that they'll work for your particular screw-up. Remember, we are men and there is no limit to the number of ways that we can piss her off.

But Why?

It really helps to have this bit of information. Some women will tell you right from the start what you did that upset them. Some like to extend the torture by not giving you a hint. You could ask, but you've tried that before and it usually didn't work. You got that most infuriating of all answers, 'If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you'. Damn! You just made things worse.

This is not the time to make assumptions or start mentally rolling through all of the possible indiscretions she may have found out about. What ever you do, don't start apologizing for things she may not know about yet. No point in giving her more reasons to be mad. Start simple, first check the date.

Did You Forget Her Birthday?

Bad move Nimrod. This one is almost too stupid to talk about here. She only has one birthday a year. Find out her birth date and WRITE IT DOWN. The Calendar Is Your Friend! Assuming you have some type of calendar; paper, electronic or written on the walls of your cave (if you truly haven't discovered technology yet), there's no reason to ever forget it again. This is bad but it's fixable.

Is today her birthday? If it's not evening yet you still have time to save the day, but you have to act fast. Quickly put together a romantic dinner at her favourite restaurant or have it catered at home by a gourmet restaurant (Pizza delivery or Chinese take-out do not count). If there's still time, get on the phone and order flowers and have them delivered to her at work. If it's too late for flower delivery, beat feet to the nearest florist and buy a dozen roses (more would be an admission of guilt).

Was her birthday yesterday? Worse, but still fixable. Look at the calendar (sorry, we've already determined that you don't know how to use a calendar). Ask someone what day of the week it is (not her, Dummy). There's a 71% chance that it's a weekday (don't try to do the math, take my word for it) and if that's the case you can still use the solution above. You're just going to move dinner to the weekend. Of course, since you have more time to plan, it had better be more elaborate. Invite another couple or two and now it's a surprise party (damn you're brilliant).

Was it a week ago or longer? Then you're screwed, or more appropriately not, possibly for several weeks. At this point overkill is what's called for. First, a sincere apology is in order. Admit that you're an unfeeling emotionally deprived moron and never really deserved any one as special as she is (it's probably true, you did forget her birthday). SELL IT. Make her believe that you really mean it and that it will never happen again (show her your new electronic toy with her birthday already entered into it). Now it's time to make it up to her and the more elaborate and expensive the gift, the better. If you can't console her with chocolates, delight her with diamonds.